


it's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional

by chickrie



Category: Oxenfree
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Gen, Sibling Bonding, even if he has no idea what the heck is going on, this is alex having a really bad time and jonas trying his best to make it a bit better, time loops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-18 23:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chickrie/pseuds/chickrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She wants to do so many things in that moment, but cannot bring herself to do anything else. She knows it's no use. </p><p>The loop will start again and he will forget.</p><p>---</p><p>Alex isn't quite exactly sure on what to feel anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional

**Author's Note:**

> oh dear i just really wanted to write a thing where alex is aware of the endless timeloops and & how it would affect her and the relationship she'd have with jonas.
> 
> i dont think it makes very much sense but this is sort of a vent thing and also happens to be the first thing i have ever posted ;; comments are definitely appreciated!!!! this fandom needs more work in it and i decided to make my own www,,
> 
> i was really planning not to share this but what the heck!!! i apologize for the long notes!!!!
> 
> emeto warning in one of the paragraphs!!! its very small but still very much there!! please be careful!!

She is shaking.

At least she _thinks_ she's shaking. What difference will shaking make? It won't change anything.

She and Jonas had split from the group for at least the billionth time now and it may _literally_ be the billionth time for all she knows-- she had stopped counting when it hit triple digits. How long has it been since then?

Though that is the case, she is aware how of many choices she has. She is aware of the words she can use, what actions she could take, what expression and tone she has to pick from, but none of it makes a difference. None of it does, did, or ever will matter.

She is _stuck._

It doesn't matter that her knees are wobbling, it doesn't matter that she is losing her ground, it doesn't matter that she is on the floor holding her head in her hands, now, entire body shaking as she struggles to see through blurry eyes and _breathe_ through rapidly closing lungs. None of it does, did, or ever will _matter._

She doesn't even know which part of the story she is at now. Were they going to the woods to save Ren? Or did they already tell him to meet them at the Comms Tower? Did they find Nona yet? Or were they going to Fort Milner to find Clarissa? Or did they already find Clarissa and watch her fall from the window? (How many times has she witnessed that now?) Or were they going towards the bomb shelter to meet up with the others after attempting to unlock it? She can't tell, everything is blurring together and she feels like she's dying, she's _finally_ dying and she's going to accept it, she _wants_ to accept it, she _wants_ to _die,_ there's nothing else left for her here and there never _will_ be, but they won't _let_ her die-- she made a _deal_ \--

_She can't ever leave._

The bile itching in her throat causes her to make a disgusting sound and she continues to lose herself despite it. She is sobbing and shaking violently and she does not know where or who she is anymore.

Jonas is standing near, watching the scene unfold, and does not understand, he _cannot_ understand. He does not and cannot understand, but that will not stop him and it never has before. He feels that he had seen this happen before.

He races over to her and wraps himself around her body, feeling her try to curl into herself, feeling her try to push herself away to writhe in the dirt alone, but he does not let her, he will not let her. He's new to this whole "brother" thing, but he will not allow Alex to go through this by herself. He does not understand, but he continues on with what he feels is right, he does not want her to push him away.

She stops struggling and cries into him. His chin resting at the top of her head as he holds her into his chest. Whispers to her to _breathe, with him, one.. two.. three-- come on, you're doing great, Alex-- one.. two.. three..._

Her brain stops and blanks out, knows this has happened before, and before, and before, but forces herself to think of _just_ now, there is nothing else but _now._ He doesn't know how many times she's gone through this, but in this moment, she does not care. He is here and he is helping, like back then, and again, and again, and she does not care.

She tries to go along with the breathing pattern he had set for her with wet eyes and sweaty back and slowly tries to wrap her arms around him as well.

She desperately wants to say thank you, so she does so in a quiet, shaking whisper. He tells her that it's alright in a voice matching hers.

She also wants to tell him how much she is hurting, wants to tell him why she had broken down the way she did, to reassure him that she is fine, to tell him that she is looking forward to being his sister in the future (that she always _desperately_ hopes to have, somehow), to tell him that she's been through this _countless_ times and that she is so _tired_ of it, to tell him about _Michael_ and how much she misses him and that it's so _hard_ to think about him, sometimes, hard to look at a picture of him, or even hear his name, and know that she will never see him again _because of what she did_ \-- she wants to do so many things in that moment, but cannot bring herself to do anything else. She knows it's no use. The loop will start again and he will forget.

 _But don't think about that,_ her mind tells her, _don't think about that._

She is still shaking. She is still tired. She is everything and nothing all at once. They sit there in the quiet of the forest for what feels like a whole other eternity in itself.

**Author's Note:**

> i love alex and jonas's growing sibling dynamic i die,,
> 
> inspiration hit me when i read [tune in by emAvox](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5760073) so please do give it a read if you can !!!!!!!!


End file.
